As kids, we form emotional blueprints based on how our caregivers respond to us. If that connection was inconsistent, sometimes loving, sometimes distant, we might grow up with what’s known as an Anxious Attachment Style. I know this one well. It’s that constant tug-of-war between craving closeness and fearing it might disappear the moment we get comfortable. You might recognize it in the overthinking, the “Did I say something wrong?” spirals or the feeling that you care too much too fast.
Living with anxious attachment doesn’t mean you’re broken; it means you’re human, shaped by early experiences that taught you love felt uncertain. But the good news is this: you can relearn what secure love feels like. Healing takes time, but it starts with small, intentional steps.
Here are a few informed tools:
Inner child work: This means tuning into the younger version of you who felt unseen or unsure. Ask yourself: What did I need to hear back then? Give that reassurance to yourself now.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Track anxious thoughts that show up in relationships (“They haven’t texted back… maybe they’re mad at me”) and gently challenge them. What’s the evidence? What else could be true?
Mindful self-compassion: Instead of criticizing yourself for being “too needy,” try offering compassion. A simple phrase like, “It makes sense I feel this way given my past,” can create powerful emotional relief.
Secure base visualization: Picture someone who makes you feel safe and grounded. When anxiety flares, close your eyes and visualize that person’s warmth and stability. This can calm your nervous system.
Most importantly, talk about it with a therapist, with your partner, or in a journal. Open communication is hard but healing. Let others know what you’re working through, not so they can fix it, but so they can walk with you through it.
Over time, I’ve learned that the goal isn’t to become completely “secure” overnight. It’s about learning to recognize our patterns, give ourselves grace, and create new experiences that slowly teach our nervous system it’s safe to trust. When you start showing up for yourself with the love and steadiness you once needed from others, you build the kind of bond that changes everything from the inside out.
Myers, D. G., Abell, J., & Sani, F. (2021). Social psychology (3rd ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.
